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thislifebehind

by Xiphoid

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1.
Abyss 02:03
I'm running down my scheme, circling endlessly. Close the gap between my state and dreams. Your eyes – the moon is running down my spine. And I could be better, I could see the stars, I could feel this earth beating in my chest. But I’m still awake, I can’t see straight. I’m wishing it all away. I’m wishing it all away.
2.
I am lost in so many ways. I can’t sleep, I can’t cope. I count my steps to eternity. I long for better days. I long for another way. This anxiety is taking its toll. I can’t eat, but I repeat my stereotypical vibes and I I should let go, but I keep remind myself of your ghost. You’re haunting me in my sleep, in my dreams. You’re pushing me to the edge of uncertainty. I should let go, but I need these thoughts. I want to see you again, talk about the feelings I’ve felt. I’m sick and tired of myself, the way I act, the way I use to speak and the way I use to fall in love. Could someone please save me? Could someone please save me? Please save me.
3.
It‘s been about half a mile, since I decided to leave. No turn back, excitement is starting to spread. I feel a slightly feeling of regret, ’cause I hate this place, but I’m afraid of hating again. But I need to start again. I’m afraid of the new and sick of the old. A continuum of hating me and hating my surroundings. They say: „if you search, you will find“. I always searched for better days to come by. Where are those days? I found nothing but pain and emptiness on the inside. It’s a lonely place in my lonely mind. Silent screams burning down my throat. I don’t want to be alone. So sick of validating everything around me. So sick of searching. Living alone. Dying alone. I’m gone.
4.
I torment myself with my hope and my fears and the things that should never be. I’m afraid of giving up, but the thought of you just isn’t enough. My heart is stuck in the past, but maybe I’m better off this way. I wanna leave this life, loose my state of mind, stop your ghost haunting me. But I’m afraid – I cannot help myself. I wanna leave this life, loose my state of mind, stop your ghost haunting me. But I’m stuck – I cannot comprehend… …the anguish I torment myself with my hope and my fears and the things that should never be. I’m afraid of giving up, but the thought of you just isn’t enough.
5.
Silent cries, blinded eyes, nervous thoughts. And every second feels like a month. I constantly remind myself of every stupid yearning in my heart. I’m feeling useless. The weight of the world is crushing down on me. Is this the enemy? I am the enemy. Useless thoughts carving in my mind. This is not my time to be. Nervous thoughts. Silent cries, blinded eyes, nervous thoughts. Empty space in my mind. I feel this void in my veins. Empty space in my mind. The weight of the world is crushing down on me. Is this the enemy? I am the enemy. Useless thoughts carving in my mind. This is not my time to be.
6.
My guts are aching and every night feels like the weight of this world is crushing on my chest. I’m sick of these thoughts and the urge to feel something, when I am nothing. And I feel that my life is worn out. I want to concentrate on the happiness in my heart. But what I found was self-doubt. It’s always the same. I’m exhausted – disintegration will tear me apart. I want to see this life through different eyes and leave this misery out of sight. I want my heart to pound again and understand myself. I want to feel integration. Or maybe I just want nothing and it should stay the same.
7.
We fall for these empty words and we fall for these looks. I feel like drowning and this is the time to say goodbye. What’s the point? Do I know the answer? I miss this feeling of being honest, of being me or who I wanted to be. I want to run away. Take the time to distinguish the pain. Sitting alone inside a hole. Maybe forevermore. How could I be so blind?

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released April 16, 2021

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Xiphoid Germany

Jannik - Vox / Guitar
Tobi - Guitar
Tim - Bass
Riccardo - Drums

Post-Something
Hameln / Osnabrück, DE

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